Friday, May 22, 2009

Awareness and self knowledge

It's interesting what I'm learning in class, about hatred of things vs. seeking things are both delusions and the equivalent of approaches that go to extremes and don't make us happy.

Yesterday I identified some parts of my 'conditioning' or 'knots' as we are referring to in class, in the phrasings of activities that give me a low ache when I don't perform them. The knowledge that I 'should' be doing my homework, between 10am -12 pM and that I 'should' wake up by 10 am to do it, really causes a disruption when I wake up at 12 pm and feel a low level of self-degradation/ self-punishment for failing to meet such 'easy' targets.

I identified that one of the things that I have categorised in my subconscious as a 'should' is that 'I should be happy'.

One of the other shoulds is 'I should' follow a schedule. For some unclear reason, when I 'should' do certain things without a relevant state that I want to attain or condition myself to attain, then things that I 'should' feel or do or think become unattained, and thus linger in a low-lying tingle of dissatisfaction and the sense of reaching for ideals of 'shoulds' that may be impossible to reach without super-Delanian strength.

The idea of authentic happiness is something of an undefined state of being and comes from an unusual source, and I think it is self-defined happiness, that is the closest I can come to understanding the idea. I have to think that if I am happy for a self-defined reason, whatever that reason is has to be a 'want' rather than a 'should'.

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